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Ridiculous Warnings

What if these warnings actually appeared on products we use?

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a Magic 8 Ball:
Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On a refrigerator:
Refrigerate after opening.

On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.

On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On Kevorkian's suicide machine:
This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

On Lyndon LaRouche literature:
Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.

On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters:
Do not eat.

On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On a tube of hemmoroid medication:
Not to be taken orally.

On syrup of ipecac:
Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1

On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

The Mother of All Disclaimers:

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. For recreational use only. All models over 18 years of age. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For official use only. Edited for television. Keep in a cool, dry place. Post office will not deliver without postage. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children.  Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Restaurant package, not for resale. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. This supersedes all previous notices. So there.

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