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Anyone who's a fan of George Carlin will recognize the following material:

* 21 People Killed in 21-gun Salute
* Welcome Wagon runs over Newcomer
* Good Humor Man slays 10
* Pen Pal stabs Pal with Pen
* Off-duty policeman shot by on-duty criminal
* Man with powersaw has been hit by falling tree

Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed 200 people living on the second floor.

A milwaukee man has been arrested for attempting to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

71 people suffered numerous gunshot wounds in the feet today as two armed midgets ran amuck in a downtown bar. Patrons of the tavern claim the two entered riding horsey-back, and the trouble started when the one on the bottom began to get drunk. In addition to the foot wounds, extensive damage to the baseboards and electrical outlets was also reported.

Here are the results of the latest gallup poll: it seems that 48 percent of the people were not home, 32 percent of the people made believe they weren't home, and 20 percent of the people have no front door.

A physician in florida claims he's treating a 107 year old woman who is pregnant! He claims that because of her advance age, she will have a grown-up.

A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner today. Nobody was injured, however 20 people were overcome by fur. Police also estimate that somewhere between 100 and 150 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

Out at the lake in city park today, police arrested a one-armed man who was annoying the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

A man has barricaded himself inside of his house at the corner of Main and Butler, however he is not armed and nobody is paying any attention to him.

Tonights weather forecast: Dark. Continued mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.

The food and drug administration announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

To kind of wind up the news today, a team of medical scientists announced that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim nobody has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.

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